What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage

What Shamu Taught Me About = a Happy=20 Marriage

By AMY SUTHERLAND

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, = irritated.=20 "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and = stomps from=20 the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite = human's=20 upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned = off the=20 faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with = bromides like,=20 "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a = simple=20 case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama = starring=20 the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I = don't say a=20 word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. He's well read, adventurous and does a hysterical=20 rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 = years of=20 marriage.

But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. = He=20 hovers around me in the kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in = The New=20 Yorker when I'm trying to concentrate on the simmering pans. He leaves = wadded=20 tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness = but never=20 fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. = "What=20 did you say?" he'll shout.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, = but in=20 sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted =97 needed =97 to = nudge him a=20 little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a = little=20 less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be = easier to=20 love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books = and set=20 about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior = worse:=20 he'd drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; = and leave=20 his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever.

We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She = didn't=20 understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on = how well=20 we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right =97 our union was = better than=20 most =97 and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and = occasional=20 sarcasm.

Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a = school for=20 exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, = where I=20 spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching = hyenas to=20 pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, = and=20 baboons to skateboard.

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught = dolphins=20 to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same = techniques=20 might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband. =

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I = should=20 reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't = get a=20 sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same = goes for=20 the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt = into the=20 hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over = any=20 soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did = sometimes kick=20 them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles = became=20 smaller.

I was using what trainers call "approximations," rewarding the small = steps=20 toward learning a whole new behavior. You can't expect a baboon to learn = to flip=20 on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband = to begin=20 regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up = a=20 single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, = then an=20 even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small = act every=20 time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts = into the=20 hamper, or was on time for anything.

I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an = exotic=20 animal. Enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species, from = anatomy to=20 social structure, to understand how it thinks, what it likes and = dislikes, what=20 comes easily to it and what doesn't. For example, an elephant is a herd = animal,=20 so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head. = It is a=20 vegetarian.

The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So = hierarchy=20 matters, but being in a group doesn't so much. He has the balance of a = gymnast,=20 but moves slowly, especially when getting dressed. Skiing comes = naturally, but=20 being on time does not. He's an omnivore, and what a trainer would call=20 food-driven.

Once I started thinking this way, I couldn't stop. At the school in=20 California, I'd be scribbling notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf = accept=20 you as a pack member, but I'd be thinking, "I can't wait to try this on = Scott."=20

On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional = trainer=20 describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his = head=20 and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats = on the=20 ground. This, he explained, is what is called an "incompatible = behavior," a=20 simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer = taught the=20 birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable = behavior=20 impossible. The birds couldn't alight on the mats and his head=20 simultaneously.

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him = from=20 crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up = parsley=20 for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the = kitchen=20 island. Or I'd set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon = I'd done=20 it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin = trainer=20 introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin = does=20 something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still = for a=20 few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. = The=20 idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a = behavior=20 provokes no response, it typically dies away.

In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!"

It was only a matter of time before he was again tearing around the = house=20 searching for his keys, at which point I said nothing and kept at what I = was=20 doing. It took a lot of discipline to maintain my calm, but results were = immediate and stunning. His temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and = then=20 waned like a fast-moving storm. I felt as if I should throw him a = mackerel.

Now he's at it again; I hear him banging a closet door shut, rustling = through=20 papers on a chest in the front hall and thumping upstairs. At the sink, = I hold=20 steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet. A moment later, he walks into = the=20 kitchen, keys in hand, and says calmly, "Found them."

Without turning, I call out, "Great, see you later."

Off he goes with our much-calmed pup.

After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far = smoother, my=20 husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his = dirty=20 clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care = enough=20 about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the = distance I=20 needed to consider our differences more objectively.

I adopted the trainers' motto: "It's never the animal's fault." When = my=20 training attempts failed, I didn't blame Scott. Rather, I brainstormed = new=20 strategies, thought up more incompatible behaviors and used smaller=20 approximations. I dissected my own behavior, considered how my actions = might=20 inadvertently fuel his. I also accepted that some behaviors were too = entrenched,=20 too instinctive to train away. You can't stop a badger from digging, and = you=20 can't stop my husband from losing his wallet and keys.

PROFESSIONALS talk of animals that understand training so well they=20 eventually use it back on the trainer. My animal did the same. When the = training=20 techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband = what I=20 was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the = techniques and=20 terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized.

Last fall, firmly in middle age, I learned that I needed braces. They = were=20 not only humiliating, but also excruciating. For weeks my gums, teeth, = jaw and=20 sinuses throbbed. I complained frequently and loudly. Scott assured me = that I=20 would become used to all the metal in my mouth. I did not.

One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how = uncomfortable I=20 was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or = acknowledge my=20 rant in any way, not even with a nod.

I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized = what was=20 happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" = Silence.=20 "You are, aren't you?"

He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd = begun to=20 train me, the American wife.

Amy Sutherland is the author of "Kicked, Bitten and = Scratched:=20 Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers" = (Viking, June=20 2006). She lives in Boston and in Portland,=20 Me.

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